Restoring Confidence

This semester so far has been filled with unknowns. Surprisingly, I find myself slipping away becoming someone that I myself do not recognize. I am becoming more and more insecure, constantly questioning my own abilities, and exerting more fear than usual. I simply do not recognize this girl. I am allowing my fear to rule me and lead me astray from who God has created me to be. How do I take hold of my once confident self? Where is Veronica Forge? When writing my letter of interest into my sorority, Alpha Kappa Alpha, I was asked to describe myself in order to give them a greater insight into who I really was. During that moment in my life, it was easy for me to convey who I was because I allowed my confidence, not arrogance, to exudes from within. As a result, I wrote:

“Who am I, you ask? I am a woman made in the image of the Creator. I am slim in make, and small in stature. I am strong-willed and persistent, always ready to fight for what is right. Furthermore, my intellectual curiosity drives me to seek the truth and stimulate my mind. Determined to succeed, I refuse to accept failure and often tell my friends, I will see them “at the top.” I am an idealist who believes in the good of mankind.  Whenever in a negative situation, I immediately begin to seek out the good. I am a young woman with a heart for other people, and I often place the needs of others before my own. I am Veronica LaShay Forge, a young woman who, despite my mother’s difficult pregnancy, survived. Striving to fulfill my God-given destiny, I attempt to serve as a ray of hope for all mankind and a light for Christ”.

When I look back on this letter, I feel somewhat disconnected from myself. Is that possible? Is it my fear of the future and what it may or may not hold that is causing me to waver and question myself? After countless hours of self-evaluation, I realized that the answer is all of the above. In a sense, I feel stress coming from various directions - graduation in May, ensuring that I have completed the necessary courses for my major, exceeded expectations while interning on Capital Hill, scoring high on the LSAT in December, and ultimately setting my self apart from other applicants when applying to law school. These are important concepts that ultimately hold the key to my future. That is enough to weigh anyone down. Needless to say, my heart and mind are both bombarded with the need to succeed. Most importantly, I am afraid that if I fail at anything mentioned above that I will not fulfill my destiny. While reading the Gita, Krishna addresses the battle between a life of action and a life of contemplation. Ultimately, he suggest that “he who has achieved union with Spirit, whose mind is pure, who has conquered the body and the senses, and whose Self is the Self of all the beings is not tainted though he works” (118). Thus, I need to take control over my mind and body first and foremost. Secondly, in order to achieve peace within and restore my confidence I need to seek my true self again and allow my actions to follow.

Practice

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Although I had to leave class early for a leadership seminar, I really enjoyed the time spent discussing the memoirs. It was interesting to see how each person was affected in some way by the book they choose to read. By listening to my classmates thoughts, it was clear that many were either impacted emotionally and spiritually from reading Waking, or were able to gain a better understanding of yoga and its practices, to provoking thought and arousing important questions that may have developed after reading their particular book. For those that read waking, I really appreciated hearing your responses because I often wondered if I was the only one getting extremely emotional while reading. It was somewhat a relief to know that the book was able to help others heal emotionally as they were reading because Waking definitely impacted me. As I read how Matt dealt with tragedy and the pain that stemmed from the ordeal, it was comforting to know that everyone has their way of dealing with a loss of any sort, and that there is no correct way or strategic formula to help you through. But that no matter the magnitude of the situation you can overcome and cope with the wounds whether internal or external.

Waking: Part 3

Instead, she knows me, - through my body- how to release the physical and mental trauma that I hold…With Carole’s help, I begin to acknowledge the price my body has paid. It has taken more than ten years, but I am ready to acknowledge just how damaged I am, how difficult my life is. …Most importantly, Carole shows me that my paralyze body has not fallen silent. It did not die” (155).

For me, this is by far the most profound passage or section in the book. It is certainly one that struck a cord with me because it showed me that once we make a conscious decision to let go of the negative energy and bad karma that accumulates within our lives over time, we will begin to heal and live life to the fullest. Embracing the good and bad. The most encouraging part of this passage, is when Matt finally accepts his body and embraces all its imperfections – “This is my life…. this is what it is” (152). With this, we see first hand how this brings about a sense of relief and renewed sense of purpose in that moment. It awakens what was once dead or perceived to be dead and completely restores it. As his mental state is restored he is then able to transfer those thoughts to his body (physical state) and work towards living with the limbs he does have access to and learning to listen internally to those limbs that have been altered. Accepting ones fate, or newfound fate, does not mean the rest of life will be easy as we see towards the end of the book with the bones in his legs breaking. There will indeed be trails and tribulations, but with those come brighter days ahead.  It starts with taking the initial step and stepping out of the gray zone and relinquishing the built up anger. This might sound cliché, but my mom is a living witness that a change in attitude or perception when it comes to physical pain and disability can make all the difference. Despite having two surgeries when there was only one scheduled and complications arise she continues to heal every day and live life to the fullest. More importantly, accepting ones situation is essential to moving forward with positivity and the will to live.

Waking: Memoir Part 2

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 How one handles pain and injury demonstrates character…. Rather than stay home and milk my mother for special attention, I choose to return to school, to show the other kids and especially my teacher that I was tough, that I could handle a little pain and return to life as usual. In retrospect, it feels like a blueprint for the future (44).

This particular quote really resonates with me because it speaks to the power of perseverance and to one’s ability to see pass present hiccups towards the bigger picture. Upon my initial reconciliation of Sanford’s words, I was somewhat baffled at his ability to decide at a young age that he was going to overcome any situation that came his way, while at the same time encouraged by his sense of bravery. Whether it was hurting his knee, breaking his foot, cracking his growth plate, or deeply slicing his finger – he made up in his mind that he was not going to let any situation get the best of him. For a young child to show such bravery and self-determination is nothing short of amazing. While reading this, I was reminded of several instances in my life where I have either directly or indirectly allowed certain situations to affect my mood and dictate how I responded. I was somewhat convicted and encourage by Matt’s intuitiveness. For I realized that as human it is in our nature to be emotional, but we don’t have to allow those emotions to override our rational and alter our character. Instead, like Sanford we have to make a conscious decision regardless of our age to rise above those situations. Thus, we see how establishing a standard or character trait follows one throughout their life. Matt, unaware that he would be in a car accident at the age of thirteen that would leave him paralyzed for life, made the decision to train his mind to separate from his bodily discomfort at an early age. This decision in turn proved to be beneficial when confronting the path of recovery.

Death and Trauma also bring questions. For starters, which family were we? An average one from a small city situated along Lake Superior’s north shore, a family who happened into some bad luck; or were we never average and always headed down that embankment? Which? (40)

In this quote, Matt does something that many people who have a brush with death normally find themselves doing – inquiring about their fate or destiny. Asking whether the path they are on now was always meant to be or did life simply take a drastic turn for the worse? While reading this, I began to ponder on a particular thought one that has been brewing in my mind for a while but never really manifested itself due to the lack of opportunity.  Although many individuals believe that a persons brush with death or serve physical trauma often leads them to seeking true self-identity. Is this necessarily the case? If so, why is death the only time people think about fate or destiny? In retrospect, it seems as though death is the time in which it is most crucial for people to discover who they really are in order to understand their purpose. Likewise, people could simply be anxious to have a sense of self-identify because they fear the unknown. Thus, it is better to have a common thread than to be an outsider in your own body. However, Matt brings another question into play when discussing this notion that death and trauma produce a more self-conscious individual. Matt questions whether ones fate or destiny changes depending on the circumstances, “What is identity in the face of radical disruption? “(40). For instance, before his accident Matt was an avid athlete. He loved to play sports. Thus, he possibly envisioned himself playing professional baseball in the future. After the accident occurred the destiny that he had envisioned for himself (playing some type of sport) no longer existed because he was now paralyzed.  Matt then questions whether his life before was meant to prepare him for his life now. Like Matt, I think that we all regardless of the circumstances wonder what fates hold for us and whether that fate can or will be altered by life’s interruptions. Such a question might be common for others as well. Throughout my life, I have often wondered whether fate and destiny were synonymous or if they were separate entities. Thinking about it perplexes me. However, after a while I realized that fate and destiny are in fact different. In my opinion, fate is the process or journey that one must go on in order to reach their destiny. Thus, destiny is the actual arrival or destination.

Waking: Memoir

As I reflect on the book, there is only one word to describe the uncontrollable feeling within, and that word is Powerful! Words cannot express how much this book has inspired and deeply humbled me. While reading, I was overcome with emotion so much so that I often felt as though I was going through each stage of rehabilitation with Matt and his family. At some points, I was shocked, completely heartbroken, and on the verge of tears. Other times, I found myself distraught and disappointed, especially when a glimpse of hope would peek through and then be snatched away like a thief in the night. Or when he had to undergo more surgery due to the unforeseen injuries or complications. For it seemed as though Matt’s suffering and pain was a never-ending cycle - when one problem was fixed or in the process of improving another problem would arise. I found myself constantly thinking, “when will he gain some sense of relief or a substantial amount of hope?” This is more than any thirteen year old should have to handle. More importantly, I wondered “where was God in the midst of Matt’s pain and suffering.  I know as Christians we are not suppose to doubt or question God and the things that happen to us, but it is hard to disregard such questions when tragedy strikes. Not only did Matt suffer an insurmountable amount of bodily injuries, but he also lost his father and older sister. I simply cannot imagine the pain, for I have not had such a life altering experience occur within in my immediate family. However, I can relate to Matt’s method of grieving and his need to escape the pain when it’s too hard to bear. Suddenly, a thirteen year old wakes up and realizes that his family of five has recently become a family of three overnight. He is forced to accept that what they once knew as truth, saw as stable, and found comfort in is no longer. The Sanford family that Matt described in the beginning of book was taken away as their care headed over the embankment. One cannot help but sympathies with Matt, his mother Paula, and brother James. It is unfathomable to imagine that a family could be so severely damaged and still survive.  But as I write this, I am reminded that God will never give us more than we can bare. Amazingly, Matt whether aware of this scripture at the time, exemplified tremendous faith by taking hold of this concept and applying it to his situation in order to survive. As a result of this, I noticed my feeling of sympathy for Matt and his family quickly turning to admiration.

Although the book mainly focused on Matt and his extensive injuries, I realized that the tragedy that occurred on the embankment did not just happen to Matt, but to the entire family. Mrs. Sanford, in my eyes is a very brave woman and a great mother because any woman, mother, and wife in her situation could/would have given up and let grief overcome them. But she did the opposite. She fought for her son despite the doctor’s prognosis and encouraged him to look inward for a source of strength.  Matt’s fight or battle towards healing was not his own but a collective battle.