Restoring Confidence

This semester so far has been filled with unknowns. Surprisingly, I find myself slipping away becoming someone that I myself do not recognize. I am becoming more and more insecure, constantly questioning my own abilities, and exerting more fear than usual. I simply do not recognize this girl. I am allowing my fear to rule me and lead me astray from who God has created me to be. How do I take hold of my once confident self? Where is Veronica Forge? When writing my letter of interest into my sorority, Alpha Kappa Alpha, I was asked to describe myself in order to give them a greater insight into who I really was. During that moment in my life, it was easy for me to convey who I was because I allowed my confidence, not arrogance, to exudes from within. As a result, I wrote:

“Who am I, you ask? I am a woman made in the image of the Creator. I am slim in make, and small in stature. I am strong-willed and persistent, always ready to fight for what is right. Furthermore, my intellectual curiosity drives me to seek the truth and stimulate my mind. Determined to succeed, I refuse to accept failure and often tell my friends, I will see them “at the top.” I am an idealist who believes in the good of mankind.  Whenever in a negative situation, I immediately begin to seek out the good. I am a young woman with a heart for other people, and I often place the needs of others before my own. I am Veronica LaShay Forge, a young woman who, despite my mother’s difficult pregnancy, survived. Striving to fulfill my God-given destiny, I attempt to serve as a ray of hope for all mankind and a light for Christ”.

When I look back on this letter, I feel somewhat disconnected from myself. Is that possible? Is it my fear of the future and what it may or may not hold that is causing me to waver and question myself? After countless hours of self-evaluation, I realized that the answer is all of the above. In a sense, I feel stress coming from various directions - graduation in May, ensuring that I have completed the necessary courses for my major, exceeded expectations while interning on Capital Hill, scoring high on the LSAT in December, and ultimately setting my self apart from other applicants when applying to law school. These are important concepts that ultimately hold the key to my future. That is enough to weigh anyone down. Needless to say, my heart and mind are both bombarded with the need to succeed. Most importantly, I am afraid that if I fail at anything mentioned above that I will not fulfill my destiny. While reading the Gita, Krishna addresses the battle between a life of action and a life of contemplation. Ultimately, he suggest that “he who has achieved union with Spirit, whose mind is pure, who has conquered the body and the senses, and whose Self is the Self of all the beings is not tainted though he works” (118). Thus, I need to take control over my mind and body first and foremost. Secondly, in order to achieve peace within and restore my confidence I need to seek my true self again and allow my actions to follow.